Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Cabinet of Curiosities

Welcome to my cabinet, please make yourself at home.


Arthur Tress "Women in Pet Cemetary" 1967
Photography on film. Journal paper. Adhesive. Approx 11 by 17 inches. Depicts two women, trees, graves, dirt, leaves, and sky.

Sciurus carolinensis .Small, rodent, Carbon-based life form. Indiginous to eastern and midwestern United States. Typical diet consists of tree barks, berries, and acorns. His name was Jeffery.

Juniperus communis. Has largest range of any wood plant in the temperate Northern hemisphere. Approx 2 feet high. Resides in fertile soil. Seeds are spherical and 4-12 mm in diameter.

"Beseiged by Grey" unknown.
Ink on tree trunk. approx 20 ft high. Writing is 2 inches by 2 inches. 

Minneapolis Power Box. 4 feet high, 2 feet wide. Green, constructed of plastics and metal. Flanked by two yellow concrete poles. Probably has some intricate energy-related properties that are far beyond my comprehension.

The duality of human beings, as animals in nature, and as inhabitants of the technologies we have contrived.

Mom. Need razor for Hanukkah.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Monday, September 12, 2011

The Absurdities of Vice and Felis


Why doesn't my girlfriend's cat know how to fix the god damn stereo?


And that's the last time I use an exacto knife while I'm naked.


 There should be an R n'B song about bending a girl over the produce aisle and spraying her with a fine mist.


The highlight of my 10:45 Art History class was realizing there was previously unnoticed cat vomit on my left sneaker.


Why don't animals like Prog Metal?


I failed my creative writing class because my professor didn't like my novel: "Are You There God? It's me Margaret Versus Predator."


I feel great despondency for the one person who has to endure my focused misanthropy for all of mankind.


 The above post is about hitting a guy with a slushee.


I have a great proclivity for dressing depraved ideas in elegant semantics.


I'd go to church if they had free chips and salsa.

I can do anything if I put my mind to it.  I just feel like most things aren't worth putting my mind to.



I just watched Tim Burton's Sleepy Hollow. Now I want Johnny Depp's Ichabod.


Muffin's a little nap slut.

Having a Korean girlfriend doesn't get you free Chinese food.


Sunday, August 21, 2011

Panty Hamsters

Do you know which food item feels most like a vagina?

If you have ever seen Spike TV's program MANswers, then you know it is a spectacle to behold.  It starts with an energy drink guzzling announcer positing brainless and blatantly chauvinistic questions about breast size, alcohol consumption, and other subjects that would pique the interest of Al Bundy.  The show then tries to answer these questions with vague pseudo-science and hot chicks in lab coats (read: scientists.)  

The episode I saw asked the question: what kind of food feels the most like a vagina? 

In order to make the show as dudetastic as possible, the writers use a variety of words in substitution for 'vagina' including: beaver, muff burger, gravy maker, and... panty hamster.
When I heard 'panty hamster', I couldn't think of a vagina. All that came to mind was a pudgy hamster, sitting in a pair of woman's panties. Adorable.

And honestly, a hamster in a pair of undies is something so stupid you just have to draw.

By the way, if you're still wondering which food feels the most like a vagina: it's Veal. Those poor baby cows.